The Curious Case of Skally Obo

I am no promoter, definitely not a fan but Skally Obo has recently caught my fancy. I have been in the entertainment scene as a critic for years now and this dude’s case is a peculiar one.

Well, I don’t even know the dude’s original name, he doesn’t seem to have any sort of promo, a profile or whatever but he is as popular and more vocal than President Jonathan right now. I thought Google was supposed to know everything but even Skally’s profile and picture proved elusive.

All I could see was his music, his very lewd, pornographic music. Skally is the guy responsible for songs like Damoche and Meji le pon. Don’t worry I won’t translate what they mean.

Skally Obo is like a wind sweeping across the streets of Gidi. His music, even though cannot be played on radio is everywhere else. Skally’s case dispels the myth that you need to settle radio presenters, personalities, deejays to get your music played.

I have heard his music in the weirdest places. Check your boss’ i-pod playlist; I am sure it would be there. Some weeks ago, I heard Skally’s song jamming on a Visafone promo truck with the staff dancing with wild abandon to the porn ‘rebo rebo’ lyrics. The time was about 1pm and kids were walking about. Then came the shocker, I went to a one year old birthday yesterday and guess what, it was Skally again. I saw kids within the age range of 5-10 gyrating their hips and even mouthing the lyrics. I shuddered.

I am sure he is definitely getting a lot of birthday parties, underground shows and would even make more this Xmas season. D’banj, Wizkid,MI,Tuface et al might be all over your television and radio sets but Skally is a huge personality in his own right. Now, lie to me, tell me you don’t hum along to the dirty lyrics?

Skally would never win any awards but he remains an underground legend.

Have a nice week peeps.

How To FART in Public for Dummies

I was hanging out with a couple of friends during the weekend. This is not an advert but Ziggies situated in Magodo is a very cool spot. We took our drinks, gisted, flirted with lecherous glances at young nubile girls diving into the pool.

It was going all so well until someone farted.

I must confess that stuff stunk to the high heavens, worse than tear gas. My nasal cavity was momentarily blocked. There was an instant uproar on our table like a Boko Haram invasion with everyone pointing accusing fingers.

As I blog, the culprit is yet to be detected. Even the FBI, CIA, Sherlock Holmes wouldn’t be able to solve this nasal ‘crime’.

I did a little research and found out that to fart effectively in public; you should be able to do the following

Fart as you speak: There is likely to be a lot of noise around you so timing is key. Time your fart as you speak without betraying emotions. Let your fart coincide with laughter or argument around the table.

The Blame Game: Always be the first and most vocal when the crime has been committed. Squeeze your face in disgust and pin it on the most silent guy on the table. Depending on how convincing you are and how helpless the other person looks, your crime would never be detected. In most cases, the person that didn’t do the farting always looks the guiltiest. T

he ugliest person at the table is always a culprit also.

Walk away: Yeh, walk confidently away when you have pinned the fart on someone. Do this with panache, like taking out your Blackberry, pinging away like a busy person that doesn’t have time for farting. If you are well dressed, no one would ever suspect you. Imagine you are wearing a suit and another guy is on jeans and a tee shirt, who would be suspected for farting???

Please, whoever farted on that day should try and own up. We don’t need to call in the authorities or go diabolical. For example I could say, May Soponno strike the arse-hole of the culprit but then I’m supposed to be a Christian.

Be a responsible Farter, Fart Responsibly.

Have a lovely day peeps.

The Job Palaver

NOTE: IF YOU ARE STILL IN SCHOOL, PLEASE DO NOT READ, IT MIGHT DISCOURAGE YOU.

I am pissed and believe me when I am pissed, I blog. Today’s post is about the issue of jobs and those desperately looking for jobs. Believe me I know this is a moral sapping procedure.

While you were in school, you probably assumed, one plum job would be waiting for you as soon as you graduated. Check out your graduation pictures, you were probably smiling, filled with joy, promise, ambition. Now, take a second, take your eyes off this blog and look at your face- spot any difference? Your folks back then must have told you to finish with a 1^st class, but with either a combination of alcohol, parties, periodically chasing the opposite sex, Football Manager, or a randy lecturer, you ended up with something like a 2^nd class lower or below.

Unfortunately, your parents, uncles, don’t have those connections they lied to you that they had or you assumed they did and now you are stuck at home. You have probably watched all the series from Spartacus, Kyle XY to 24. You have probably become a neighbourhood nuisance chasing nubile adolescents or an alcohol hero. At this point your parents have lost respect for you. Internet cafes have a special seat for you.

Then you decide to fight back, you begin to aggressively apply for jobs. You scour the internet, newspapers for just that opportunity to make a living. You subscribe to Jobberman, Nigerianhotjobs etc to give you periodic alerts. True to their words, you get these alerts but what do they give you- more heartache. Your e-mail looks like a rejection headquarters. Every day, you see.

“Thank you for your application for the position. Regretfully your application has been unsuccessful and we are unable to proceed with your application. We wish you a bright and successful career.”

My question now is WHERE! Which career? What is bright??? Why are they regretting? Heartbreakers!

Now here is my grouse, this morning I saw an opening for a Panel beater at Stallion Motor. Nice! Good opportunity for someone skilful one I knew. I picked up my phone to call him but something caught my eye. Guess what the requirements for a panel beater were:

o Minimum 3 to 5 Years in respective field

o Experience in bus body building is most preferable

o Must have passed Senior Secondary, OND, HND

WTF!!!

A company looking for a panel beater with OND, HND!!! Now that’s unfair and the whole recruitment process in the country. You want to apply for a job and you see a requirements stating cognate experience of 4 or more years. How are you supposed to apply?

How do you even get any experience in the first place when no one is offering to employ you to give you one? Are you supposed to conjure experience from your anal cavity? They put up unrealistic barricades like having stupid experience, minimum of 2:1 degree and having at least a billion pubic hair (lol..ok, was joking there).

This scenario leaves a bitter taste in the mouth of youths who are ready to work, willing to make a decent, honest living. I am not pointing fingers or blaming these companies, they probably want the best for their business but conversely why are there more kidnappers, armed robbers, teenage pregnancies and FIFA 2011 legends out there today. I know why, the recruitment policy is shit!

I am sounding too serious already. This doesn’t sound like my blog. I am off to grab a beer. Ciao.

NOTE AFTER: I WARNED YOU SCHOOL PEEPS NOT TO READ. SIGHS.

The Case of the Ex

Today, I realized most of my story and blog ideas are generated when I am in the everyday Lagos traffic. I realize I am one of the most inconsistent blogger ever but I couldn’t resist writing this.

Ah! Yes! Breakups, heartbreaks, whatever. ..When this happens, you ultimately feel like your whole world has crashed all around you. You feel those painful, unexpected heart pangs that momentarily take your breath away.

In no particular order, here are steps people take during heartbreak and the reality of their actions. At the end of this post, you get a candid advice from a renowned doctor who has been through it all and how to get your ex back.

Daze: That’s the first emotion you feel especially if you thought your relationship was certain to lead to the altar. When you partner dishes out the ‘I quit’ notice, you feel like a zombie, a sleep-walker. It is like a Nollywood flick with the mute button on. Your concentration at work, class and social scene falls.

Reality: The numbness you feel would hit you full smack in the face in the morning. Avoid crossing express roads. Driving could be hazardous; your speedometer might look alarmingly sexy at high speed during this process. You’ll most likely fail your exams and get sacked at work.

Beg: You start to beg hoping your partner might change their decision. You shower them with gifts; your insecurity comes to the fore. You weep, wail, and mourn. You offer everything from your body to money. At this point, you probably look like shit, unkempt, unfed,probably suicidal.

Reality: Yimu. Your partner isn’t gonna change his/her decision now. Infact before they read you the riot act, they had carefully weighed the pros and cons of their decision. A replacement might have even been in place to help the smooth transition. Your replacement would most likely be the 'He/She is just a friend', your ex told you while you were still dating. If I was your ex, since you are in a Father Xmas state of mind, I’ll give you a list of my wants while you are at it.

Anger: Realizing your partner is not budging and frustrated by how someone you thought you knew and loved act so cold, the next emotion you naturally feel is anger. Here is the point, you start deleting pictures of your partner on your phone and social networks, you defriend on Facebook after toggling your relationship status back to single, unfollow on Twitter, remove from BBM contact. You start posting irrational ‘I don’t need you’ subliminal messages. You delete phone-numbers, return physical memento. The really angry ones even demand all the gifts they have given back. You change passwords, look at that tattoo of their name on their skin and think of ways to laser it off. Deuces becomes your favourite anthem.

Reality: You are just seeking for attention. Your partner has moved. These actions would even make them laugh more or get even more irritated. What’s the point of deleting, it takes time and energy, you know? Most likely, you’ll probably even save some just in case...You know their phone-numbers by heart so deleting also doesn’t work. Truth is, after doing all these, the resounding emotion you feel is stupidity. Imagine the stress borrowing the phones of mutual friends just to check up on how your ex is faring without you. You are just gonna evolve into a modern day digital stalker. Ironically, if your ex wants you back during this process, you run back into their arms faster than Usain Bolt on marijuana.

Love songs and reconciliation movies: All of a sudden, you feel as if songs and movies are speaking directly to you, made just for you. It starts to give you hope that maybe, just maybe, things might change between you too just like what you heard or watched. All those Hollywood final airport scenes appeal to the romantic in you. Nuff said, you start to dream.

Reality: Double Yimu. You are just adding more dollars, nairas or whatsoever to the actor or musician. Usher,Chris Brown, James Blunt et al are probably buying their Rolls Royce because of gullibility. Take a moment and imagine, why would a heartbroken man be doing breakdance and sliding. All na gimmick. There is a niche market for unfortunate souls like you, as such, you are just being exploited. Don’t try anything stupid. It won’t work.

Internet Explorer: You surf the internet looking for solutions. Trust Google, there are countless for you. Authors would suggest everything from ‘No Contact’ rule to other absurdities to get your ex back. You start to believe and act on their advice. You feel confident. They advise you to hit the gym, travel, see the world.

Reality: Google is just interested in hits to be gotten from you. If you watch closely too, those authors only put half of their ideas out and tell you to buy their books for the remaining. How many have you bought? Did it work? Is your ex back? Sucker oshi. The travelling, gym stiz probably works for the wealthy. If you are broke and dumped, Jesus, you are in for one hell of a depression BRT ride.

Alcohol/Chocolate/Sex Binge: You finally get to this point where you hit the bottle, chocolate or whatever works for you to numb the pain. You feel like a martyr, like life has dealt you the wrongest cards. You start racking up unecessary sex conquest scores like anyone was competing with you.

Reality: You are merely adding more money to the manufactures of alcohol, chocolates and condoms or contraceptives. After your high, reality would still wait for you, grinning, ready to poke you into another bout of depression. Unfortunately all the bartenders on your street already know your name.

Yimu State of Mind(Cynical): The last stage is you becoming a cynic. A philosopher that has seen and done it all. You laugh within when you see lovers hold hands, kiss, laugh. It’s all gonna come crashing down on them one day, you think.

Reality: You just read it. Moreover, you are going to fall in love again and this whole process would repeat itself.

If you were looking for any advice at the end of this piece from a doctor. Sorry, I lied. I just wanted you to read this. Were you reading to get your ex back? Heya!

Otega, thanks for encouraging me to write again. Cheers...and yes to Lagos, Victoria Island traffic.