The Case of the Ex

Today, I realized most of my story and blog ideas are generated when I am in the everyday Lagos traffic. I realize I am one of the most inconsistent blogger ever but I couldn’t resist writing this.

Ah! Yes! Breakups, heartbreaks, whatever. ..When this happens, you ultimately feel like your whole world has crashed all around you. You feel those painful, unexpected heart pangs that momentarily take your breath away.

In no particular order, here are steps people take during heartbreak and the reality of their actions. At the end of this post, you get a candid advice from a renowned doctor who has been through it all and how to get your ex back.

Daze: That’s the first emotion you feel especially if you thought your relationship was certain to lead to the altar. When you partner dishes out the ‘I quit’ notice, you feel like a zombie, a sleep-walker. It is like a Nollywood flick with the mute button on. Your concentration at work, class and social scene falls.

Reality: The numbness you feel would hit you full smack in the face in the morning. Avoid crossing express roads. Driving could be hazardous; your speedometer might look alarmingly sexy at high speed during this process. You’ll most likely fail your exams and get sacked at work.

Beg: You start to beg hoping your partner might change their decision. You shower them with gifts; your insecurity comes to the fore. You weep, wail, and mourn. You offer everything from your body to money. At this point, you probably look like shit, unkempt, unfed,probably suicidal.

Reality: Yimu. Your partner isn’t gonna change his/her decision now. Infact before they read you the riot act, they had carefully weighed the pros and cons of their decision. A replacement might have even been in place to help the smooth transition. Your replacement would most likely be the 'He/She is just a friend', your ex told you while you were still dating. If I was your ex, since you are in a Father Xmas state of mind, I’ll give you a list of my wants while you are at it.

Anger: Realizing your partner is not budging and frustrated by how someone you thought you knew and loved act so cold, the next emotion you naturally feel is anger. Here is the point, you start deleting pictures of your partner on your phone and social networks, you defriend on Facebook after toggling your relationship status back to single, unfollow on Twitter, remove from BBM contact. You start posting irrational ‘I don’t need you’ subliminal messages. You delete phone-numbers, return physical memento. The really angry ones even demand all the gifts they have given back. You change passwords, look at that tattoo of their name on their skin and think of ways to laser it off. Deuces becomes your favourite anthem.

Reality: You are just seeking for attention. Your partner has moved. These actions would even make them laugh more or get even more irritated. What’s the point of deleting, it takes time and energy, you know? Most likely, you’ll probably even save some just in case...You know their phone-numbers by heart so deleting also doesn’t work. Truth is, after doing all these, the resounding emotion you feel is stupidity. Imagine the stress borrowing the phones of mutual friends just to check up on how your ex is faring without you. You are just gonna evolve into a modern day digital stalker. Ironically, if your ex wants you back during this process, you run back into their arms faster than Usain Bolt on marijuana.

Love songs and reconciliation movies: All of a sudden, you feel as if songs and movies are speaking directly to you, made just for you. It starts to give you hope that maybe, just maybe, things might change between you too just like what you heard or watched. All those Hollywood final airport scenes appeal to the romantic in you. Nuff said, you start to dream.

Reality: Double Yimu. You are just adding more dollars, nairas or whatsoever to the actor or musician. Usher,Chris Brown, James Blunt et al are probably buying their Rolls Royce because of gullibility. Take a moment and imagine, why would a heartbroken man be doing breakdance and sliding. All na gimmick. There is a niche market for unfortunate souls like you, as such, you are just being exploited. Don’t try anything stupid. It won’t work.

Internet Explorer: You surf the internet looking for solutions. Trust Google, there are countless for you. Authors would suggest everything from ‘No Contact’ rule to other absurdities to get your ex back. You start to believe and act on their advice. You feel confident. They advise you to hit the gym, travel, see the world.

Reality: Google is just interested in hits to be gotten from you. If you watch closely too, those authors only put half of their ideas out and tell you to buy their books for the remaining. How many have you bought? Did it work? Is your ex back? Sucker oshi. The travelling, gym stiz probably works for the wealthy. If you are broke and dumped, Jesus, you are in for one hell of a depression BRT ride.

Alcohol/Chocolate/Sex Binge: You finally get to this point where you hit the bottle, chocolate or whatever works for you to numb the pain. You feel like a martyr, like life has dealt you the wrongest cards. You start racking up unecessary sex conquest scores like anyone was competing with you.

Reality: You are merely adding more money to the manufactures of alcohol, chocolates and condoms or contraceptives. After your high, reality would still wait for you, grinning, ready to poke you into another bout of depression. Unfortunately all the bartenders on your street already know your name.

Yimu State of Mind(Cynical): The last stage is you becoming a cynic. A philosopher that has seen and done it all. You laugh within when you see lovers hold hands, kiss, laugh. It’s all gonna come crashing down on them one day, you think.

Reality: You just read it. Moreover, you are going to fall in love again and this whole process would repeat itself.

If you were looking for any advice at the end of this piece from a doctor. Sorry, I lied. I just wanted you to read this. Were you reading to get your ex back? Heya!

Otega, thanks for encouraging me to write again. Cheers...and yes to Lagos, Victoria Island traffic.