HOW TO BE A CELEBRITY FOR DUMMIES

Vanity is prevalent in most humans. Ever since Adam sunk his teeth into the juicy apple did this behavioural tendency creep into the human race. As our eyes opened to see the joys which the opposite sex could provide so also did it in being better than the next being; being better in this context means richer, popular and powerful.

Vanity has led nations to battle, men to feud, women to covet and so on. Cutting to the chase, vanity is the major reasons why most individuals choose to be celebrities. Signing autographs, driving fancy cars, a thousand individuals chanting your name, bedding the sexiest individuals, rubbing shoulders with the high and mighty and one of the few reasons why most celebs we have here today picked up their microphone in the very first place.

Well for those of you looking for pointers on how to become one, you don’t need to watch E! Read these tongue-in-cheek suggestions and you might very much be the next Justin Bieber/Wiz Kid. If having rabid teenagers who want a glimpse of your underwear is your thing then I suggest you read on...

DISCLAIMER: PLEASE DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME!!!

JOIN THE CHOIR

A very major characteristic in most celebrities from Ice Prince to R.Kelly. If you were never part of the choir, then your celebrity history is not up to scratch. From biographies of celebrities, there is always the underlying statistic that most of them started crooning to the high heavens before switching to secular music. Celebrities like R.Kelly seamlessly float through both genres while some upon tasting worldly success never again attempted to add the letters G.O.D to their lyrics. That said, if you want to be a celebrity, step one is joining the church choir. Try it, it works.

REBEL AGAINST YOUR PARENTS

While our parents were copulating, pleasure was foremost; a close second was us, the product of their excitement. After they had had us, they had fantasies of their kids becoming doctors, engineers, and lawyers. While paying fees and examining our results, their blueprint was gradually falling into place. But wait! Hold on for a minute, You want to be a celebrity, right? That is not the way forward, you have got to rebel. There has to be a day in your life where you step up to your parents that you want to be a microphone gangster. This is a very major step in every musicians and celebrity pattern. Most have fallen by the wayside but if you scale this hurdle and even finagle them to support you, then you are on your way to be superstar. Millions have done it, you can do it.

BE A MIDDLE CLASS

Truth be told, your chances of being a celebrity is very slim if your parents are mega-rich. Well, ok in some cases like Lynxx, you might actually make it but being poor or middle class puts the odds in your favour. The hunger to be relevant, to be successful helps fuel your lyrics, your drive to succeed no matter what. Imagine hustling on the street to organise dough for studio session? Imagine trekking miles to perform in shows? This hunger keeps you on point and makes you appreciate the more when you finally start performing at Bola Tinubu’s special and coded birthday party. It is why I would interview you in the first place, because you have a story worth telling.

CHOOSE A CHEESY STAGE NAME

Very few people have made it using their ordinary names. As such, to attract attention in the first place, you have got to captivate the imagination with a stage name. Look into the showbiz world today, half the names there are purely fictional and fake, you are advised to follow suit. Name yourself after an underwear brand or a prophylactic or mix your initials-whatever, just have a freaking stage name and you would do just fine.

ECCENTRICITY WORKS

Celebrity status and eccentricity go hand in hand; you just have to be very unpredictable and quite mad. Singing in front of a mirror or in the shower isn’t exactly enough. How about crooning inside a molue, get piercings done and a tattoo telling the police where to shove it. The more eccentric you are, the better your chances of becoming a celebrity. Notable examples: Kanye West, Lady Gaga...You.

STUDIO IS THE CLASSROOM/BEDROOM

The studio should be your church, your temple, your bedroom, and classroom. Odds predict that the more time you spend making love in the bedroom, the better your chances of getting a kid. Treat the studio as such, make love to the microphone, your producer should be your partner in music crime. Bone clubbing, sleep in the studio, inspiration is bound to come at night, midnight, when your mates are grabbing a girl’s booty in the club. Forget about them, if your hard work pays off, your face would be an ID to enter any club.

BE A PROFESSIONAL BUTT LICKER

This is the most unpleasant part in achieving your celebrity status goal. You can’t avoid it; you just have to French kiss a lot of black butts to ascend the ladder. You have to do this so much you need toothpaste to get rid of the smell afterwards. It is unfortunately one of the vicissitudes of the career you have chosen. Affix the necessary flatters while dealing with producers, radio deejays, presenters, record label heads e.t.c. Do this extremely well and you are well on your way to becoming the next big thing. If possible attach a few naira notes with your kisses. Cheers.




SHOW YOURSELF

After you might have gotten rid of the awful butt taste, and gotten multiple plays on radio and the internet. You might even have got a video done, now is the time to show yourself. Since you have been humble at first, you now have to show the ‘female doggy’ part of you, people would hate you, spread vile things about you but bottom line is that you’d be respected. This same people who spread rumors about you would be the first to brush their teeth to kiss your butt. Every other celeb does it, Why not you???

Follow these rules and who knows, you might be the next best thing. **Yimu.

Update:However for a more serious approach to making it as a musician or artiste, you could hop over and read Eldee's Music Industry Survival Manual