The Rise and Fall of the Penis

They had the world by the balls but were more concerned with their own balls and the quick momentous joy of the climax; the sudden rush of blood to the middle of their legs.
They give credibility to the penile school of thought, the critics and the feminist movement that preach males are solely governed by the whims of their penis. Some even go as far as saying the penis has got a brain of its own, one so powerful that eclipses the other that resides in the head.
These men have made their penis a Lord and Savior, enslaved to the rise and fall of their third legs. They have put their careers at risk, reduced their reputations and become press fodder material for ridicule (this blog inclusive).
Arranging them according to timeliness of their erectile offences, meet them, meet the Penis Thinkers.

RYAN GIGGS

Ryan Giggs of Manchester United is the poster child and model for all aspiring footballers to follow. In a career spanning about 21 years, Giggs is the most decorated player in English history. A total of about 21 medals including the Premier League, FA Cup, Champions League and League Cup is more than some clubs in their entire history have ever won. In 2007, he was appointed an OBE by the Queen for his services to English football and in a Manchester United poll, he was named Manchester United greatest ever player.

Ryan Giggs looked to be heading towards knighthood; life was going good with worldwide acclamations for his on-pitch displays belying his advanced 38 years which led Manchester United to their 19^th title. However, recent weeks have proved otherwise. It appears that the Mr Goody Too Boots Giggs has been stealing cookies from the jar after it was discovered he had been having extra-marital affairs with a model Imogen Thomas. Worse, Mr Giggs probably deluded by his sense of power or by his lawyers wanted to sue almighty Twitter and placed injunctions in a bid to protect himself.

It was probably the worst own goal of his life. However, things took a progressively worse turn after accusations emerged that Mr Giggs had been sleeping with his brother’swife for eight years (although his brother married her just ten months ago). Giggs whereabouts are unknown at the moment but one thing is sure, his pristine image and marriage have been chucked way aided by his partner-in-crime, HIS PENIS. For what it is worth, if Giggs’ marriage ends in a divorce, his own half of the medals would still be more than most clubs.

To read about the United cocksman and his philandering ways, click here and read more.

ARNOLD SCWARZENEGGER

Mr Action Hero, Mr Universe, Commando, the Terminator, Predator. Seriously, Arnold was one of the redefining characters of the Action genre in cinema history. The early 80’s to the late 90’s saw him starring in blockbusters and raking in so much cash. He had it all, a good marriage-married to Maria Shriver, the niece of J.F Kennedy with four kids; he even stunned doubters by crossing the line from the silver screen to politics becoming the 38th Governor of California.
The month of May 2011 however exposed Arnold the Governor as Arnold the barbarian after it was discovered that he had gone ‘Ekaetic’-my term for sleeping with one’s housemaid. Arnold’s marriage of 25 years crumbled after his wife found that he had a 14-year old kid (five days after the birth of his youngest legitimate child) with an employee, Mildred Patricia Baena who had worked in their household for 20 years.
This doesn’t come as much as a surprise as in 2003, Arnold apologised to women he sexually harassed within a 25 year period (1975-2000).
With Arnold having an estimated worth of about $100-$200 million, Mildred Baena should be one of the richest ‘Ekaettes’ in the world. After all it is not her fault the Predator could not put his pecker in his pants.

DOMINIQUE STRAUSS-KHAN

For crissakes, how can u be the head of the freakin International Monetary Fund and be convicted of trying to rape a hotel maid. This beats all kinds of imagination, Mr Strauss-Khan’s penis must have a super-functional brain for it to tempt the 'head of everything money in the world' to commit such. In a world where penises obey men, Mr Kahn would have ordered his penis to desist and done the most sensible thing like order a room full of Venezuelan beauties or order a jar of KY Jelly and get some hand action going. He did neither. Here is a conversation between Mr Khan’s brain and his Penis Brain.
Penis Brain: Look at the maid’s ass; it is sexy, go for it. I want.
Head Brain: Cut it out, it is unethical. Take a chill pill. Just relax.
Penis Brain: Fool, I tried to reason with you. I am stronger than you. I am going in...
Head Brain: Nooooooo!!!!!!!!
Penis Brain: *Grins while directing hand to grab ass*
So that’s what happened and now the former head of IMF had to endure worldwide humiliation, pay a $6 million bail, under curfew, wears an electronic tag to monitor movement and lose the bid to contest for the French election against the incumbent Nicolas Sarkozy.
All for a maid’s ass!!!

TIGER WOODS

Writing on the sporting achievement of Tiger Woods is not going to make sense, Wikipedia has already done so. One thing we didn’t see coming though was Tiger’s double life; his life after golf and family. I dare say, Tiger Woods is the modern Casanova after his dalliances with about a dozen women were exposed for worldwide entertainment.
It seemed that Tiger wasn’t satisfied with just putting his golf balls inside holes but his actual balls in women’s holes. At last count, about a dozen women from waitresses to broads from other walks of lives have admitted to the media of having carnal knowledge of the Tiger. All credit to Tiger though, the women are hot!!!
Listening to his penis not just once but multiply has lost Mr Woods the woman hunter, the predator his marriage, sponsorship deals like Gillette, Accenture, General Motors, Tag Heuer e.t.c.
Worse, from number one in the world, Tiger Woods is now ranked a lowly 12th in the world, his lowest ranking since 1997.
If only he listened to the brain situated in his head.

SENATOR YERIMA

Section 21 of the Child Rights Act 2003 opens with “No person under the age of 18 years is capable of contracting a valid marriage, and, accordingly, a marriage so contracted is null and void and of no effect whatsoever...
It ends with ... promotes the marriage of a child, or (d) who betroths a child, commits an offence and is liable on conviction to a fine of N500, 000; or imprisonment for a term of five years or to both such fine and imprisonment’’.
Someone obviously wasn’t reading the above. Senator Yerima aged 50 got married to an Egyptian 13- year old girl in a marriage conducted in Abuja last year. To pave the way, he divorced one of his four wives, paid N15 million as dowry and bankrolled the travel expenses of his in-laws.
If Senator Yerima’s penis was doing the thinking for him, then I think his penis should be sentenced to the Yaba Left of Penises (a mental penis jail).
Without further ado, I rest my case.

PUBLIC PENIS ANNOUNCEMENT: Men the world over, let us join hands and brains in wrestling back the over-riding power our penis has over us. We know Adam failed and million others but we can. YES WE CAN!!!