Gidi Traffic Tips for Beginners

Are you new in Gidi or a veteran? Well, doesn’t matter whatever your Gidi status is, read the following below tips and save yourself a lot of hours on the road, high blood pressure or man-slaughter charges.

The Holy Trinity of Chaos

Beyonce’s hit track goes thus “Who runs the world-Girls.” Spoofing that as per the Nigerian traffic situation, it would most likely go like this: Who runs the road-Them. ‘Them’ in this context are the unholy trio of the Wiz Khalifa inspired black and yellow commercial buses, Okadas and Keke Napep.

As a rookie driver, you would most likely get frustrated at the thuggery of their driving but as you get used to Gidi traffic, you in turn get to understand them, even see things from their view. Rather than get pissed and waste your invectives better saved for other choice situations, you can afford to crack a wry smile whenever a ‘danfo’ obstructs your movement to pick passengers, or a swarm of Okadas render movement impossible. Right on the heels of okadas are their vehicular-partner in crime the Keke Napep who are stunt-masters in sudden u-turns into oncoming automobiles.

Advice: Drive on a straight line, pretend they don’t exist and don’t raise you blood pressure on them. Save those high blood pressure moments for situations like finding your girlfriend in bed with your brother a-la-Ryan Giggs. (Lol, couldn’t resist taking that dig)

Crouching Police,Hidden LASTMA

Correct me if I am wrong but I naturally assumed law enforcement or traffic officials are supposed to be visible, manning areas that are deemed unlawful by motorists. By standing there, they serve as a warning, a deterrent to scare would-be-offenders. However, in Gidi, the reverse is the case, subterranean techniques are used by these rogue officers, these masters of disguise who would cloak themselves in invisibility like lions lying in wait for a juicy zebra. Fall into their traps by failing to obey half-hidden street signs or near-faulty traffic lights and see these vagabonds force entry into your car with the skills of a car-jacker.

Advice: Always key-down especially when you know you are in the wrong. Combine this with a healthy dose of acceleration action. Lethal combo.

One Way-The Only Way

Imagine this scenario. You just finished from work and get a phone call and it is this hot gal you have been ‘chiking’. She is finally in the mood for some naughties, sends you a half-naked picture of her and tells you to be at her place in forty-five minutes. It usually takes about thirty minutes to get to hers without traffic but a full 3 hours with traffic. You get into your car and see this discouraging traffic. What would you do? Brethren, don’t dull! One Way is the only way. In as much as you have a pressing need in Gidi, the best route to go is the opposinglane. You have an excuse, you are horny. Go for it.

Advice: Don’t try this alone. Chill till the Alomo intoxicated danfos lead the way or an equally impatient, horny individual like you.

Pedestrian Bridge Boycott

It is often said that, if you want to hide information from a Nigerian, hide it in a book because they usually don’t read. Taking it a notch further, you could also hide valuable goods on pedestrian bridges in Gidi. Why? Because no one uses them. If you are a shady criminal or horny teenager, making your rendezvous on those bridges wouldn’t be a bad idea. Rather than use the bridges, Gidirians prefer the risky, time saving way-performing short bursts on the express way like uneducated Northerners hooked on anti-depressants.

Advice: As a driver, have the awareness of Neo in the Matrix. See things in 3D so you won’t spend the rest of your life on man-slaughter charges or a broken conscience. As an insane pedestrian ignoring the bridge, just make Usain Bolt proud and you’d be fine.