Social Networks Survival Guide (Part 1)

Below are tips to help you survive in the ‘Twenty-Flirt’ century. Armed with these, transform yourself from a Centipede to an Anaconda, a 504 to a Buggati. When I mean social networks, forget Hi-5...read on...

'LOL' Yourself out of Danger

'LOL' meaning Laughing out Loud is the most useful weapon any web user should possess. Believe me, you have no idea how terribly important these three letters could do in the new world we live in which comprises Twitter, Blackberry Messenger and Facebook.

Here is a scenario; you are trying to get this hot guy or gal to sleep with you, you type a corny line like “I wish I could get between those thighs.” If this line works, good for you, you get your piece of ass but what if it goes wrong? What if the message’s recipient launches a scathing rebuke? Be rest assured, all you have to add is a ‘LOL’ and follow up with a stupid explanation about pulling the person’s legs. Let’s bless who invented 'LOL'. It is indeed our Get out of jail free card.

Classic Example- You: I feel like spanking your butt, come over to my place.

Her: Are you out of your senses? What do you take me for?

You: Lol...I was joking. How you doing?

It could be further used if you are terribly busy and have someone at the other end bugging you to chat. Just after any line the person types, affix your LOL. This should buy you time and pacify the bugger. Over-use it though and see it backfire spectacularly. You’ve been warned.

Put Up Sexy/Controversial Pictures To Get Noticed

The eyes are windows to the soul and er...the libido. You scroll through people’s profile and see this fine-ass gal, chances are you would want to add her as a friend, follow her or get her pin. Same rule applies to gals too. Twitter, Facebook and other social networking sites have become shopping sites; pick up points for horny individuals. Of course, the best pictures attract potential suitors.

Imagine these social networking sites like a street in Allen or the windy beaches of Kuramo where the best dressed females get the attention of passers-by and their cash. Yeah, that’s what I am talking about. Pictures like the eye-sore on your left won't cut it though.

In pure layman’s term: The best avatars attract the deepest pockets. #Shikena.

Obey The Numbers Game

The web is all about numbers. Google pays out to websites and blog sites that have the most hits. Companies like the MTN’s come cap in hand if you can guarantee hits blah blah blah...

Similarly, on social networks, numbers equals popularity which in-turn leads to casual affairs and ultimately sex. Have loads of friends on Facebook and you are Mr/Mrs popular, everyone wants to chat with you e.t.c. On Twitter, the same applies albeit with some variation. One weird ‘Twitculture’ though involves users following less people that follow them. It is all a dick-measuring contest that does my head in. Some though have turned the numbers game into profit. @exschoolnerd on Twitter with about 4,529 followers at last count is gradually building a dynasty. Most of her 93,533 Tweets at last count are commercially driven to make money. Conversely, some others use social networks just to get laid. Different strokes for different folks.

Imagine walking into a party and see a guy popping drinks, surrounded with laughter, people then at the other end see a guy wearing big goggles, wearing an oversized flowery shirt and alone. Who would you rather hang-out with-The ladies man that might score you some chics or the lonely serial-killer? Social networks mirror reality in that regard.

Kiss Celebrity Ass

If Guinness Book of Records ever wants to conduct a research on the most ass-kissing spot in the world, they need not stress themselves, it all happens on social network sites especially Twitter. The recipients of such mouth to butt actions are celebrities whose timeline are flooded with corny, cheesy messages laced with idolatry worship. In response, all the ass-kissers desire is a retweet, or a follow-back.

Retweets are the modern-day autographs.

Here is how the chain reaction goes: Kiss Celeb ass-Get a retweet-Kiss some more ass-Get a Follow Back-Use Celeb Follow back for Popularity-Others in turn kiss your ass=Use all these to get some Sex.

Google Quotes/Wise Sayings

Wanna feel like the modern Aristotle? Wanna follow in the steps of Reverend Run Wisdom on Twitter? It is easy, just Google wise sayings and post them as updates and make people think you are actually smart. Millions have done it before you, why not join the crowd? How do you think a marijuana lover like Wiz Khalifa could possibly sound so smart? Wiz Khalifa dishing out advice is just a very solid reminder on why i think the world is fast-forwarding toward its end. Anyways, plus side of pilfering wise quotes is you get a lot of comments and retweets and only you and Google would know you are actually not so smart.