The Nigerian Mentality

I pledge to Nigeria my country, to be faithful, loyal and honest. To serve Nigeria with all my strength...

Well I googled that. I always forget lines whenever I recite that pledge. Well, I am not alone, most of our senators can’t and they get paid big for it. Do you watch Super Eagles matches? Watch their lips; most of them can’t...All gimmicks.

If you can recite the Nigerian Pledge-congrats. But do you practise your recitation? Readers, sorry for being all in your grill this morning but I am just happily cranky this morning- so very unpatriotic. I want oil money and I am not getting it.

Today’s blog is a short analysis about the average Nigerian mentality and how they operate. If you behave like the below even if you are a Caucasian, mongoloid, then you are a Nigerian. Your folks probably slept with a Nigerian somewhere. Enjoy...

Plan in Advance

You are no Nigerian until you start to plan in advance. I don’t mean ‘good’ planning in advance like buying a train ticket for an entire month-there are no trains, remember. Oh, yes, actually we have trains that pack humans like sardines over rusted railways. When I lived in the UK (I am not bragging o!), I learnt the usefulness of booking in advance for stuffs, cheaper and convenient in the long run. Like all things Nigerian, the planning in advance here is what the economy have dictated we do. The most cursed organisation in the world NEPA a.k.a PHCN have ruled our life as such that we accelerate decisions like ironing a week’s worth of cloth, charging your phones (especially Blackberries) and laptops hourly, investing in UPS, pumping water, buying fuel for the generator, making sure all drinks and food are iced e.t.c. PHCN have scarred the mentality of Nigerians making them operate on auto-pilot. Even when we leave to other countries, it takes months to acclimatise, to rest easy, safe in the knowledge that the terrorist organisation known as PHCN would not strike again. Same applies to traffic, I dare you not to leave your house on time-you’d just be flirting with a juicy sack letter.

Social Animals

Put a Nigerian in any social scene and he/she would flourish. A family might struggle to pay their children’s school fees, owe big debts but when that same family is tasked to perform a burial ceremony, you’d be amazed at the sudden millions that spin out of non-existence. If you have someone owing you money and giving you excuses, wait till a party and when he or she is spraying money as recklessly as a danfo driver on Paraga, make your appearance and affix the individual with a non-blinking stare. We look for the perfect excuse to throw a party. You buy a new car-Party. You got a promotion-Party. You have 10 followers on Twitter-Party. You just farted-Party. I am sure you get my point. We are just happy people and poverty, corruption; low standard of living is not going to take that away from us.

The Quick Eye for a Scam

Nigerians are inherently corrupt. Every single one of us. We are always the first to decry corruption, cry foul when the powers that be pocket a hefty chunk of change. But, truthfully, it is basically a vicious cycle. Those in power now probably did the same but look at them now. Put a Nigerian in any position of authority and his super-scamming powers come to the fray. We are devious, we are smart. If there was ever a superhero for scams, it would be a Nigerian with a big S on his chest, flying around to scam people. Go to Ghana, they loathe us. They say we have taken over their market, their customers. Whores from Ghana to South-Africa are losing business. They say our girls have stolen all their customers. 419, yahoo, we are at the very top of the Premier League of Scam. We win trebles every season. However, we are quite industrious. That said, there must be a saying that goes thus: "One man’s scam is another man industriousness."

Nobody wants to Die

Until that lousy dude scorched his testicles on an airplane, it was generally assumed that no Nigerian would willingly put his life on the line for anything. We simply do not have the balls. We are not built for heroic stuffs. Maybe if we were, a revolution might have taken place and perhaps things would have been better or invariably worse. You watch this American flicks and you see dudes dying for their country, putting their lives on the line to save an American Flag. A Flag!!! In Nigerian, chances are that, he is going to run into the opposite direction. Fuck the Flag, they can have it. Life is too precious for us, we so love it.

Authority Huggers

Put any Nigerian in any position of authority and he/she would be a bitch about it. Frustration being the operative word is the emotion you are bound to feel. Tasks that should take ordinarily 10 minutes could stretch to two hours. Civil servants are the chief culprits and yes those NYSC officials, they frustrated me, I felt like tearing them a new hole.

Rather than listen to you, they all share the latest gossip or watch home video on LTV during office hours. African Magic if they have DSTV is their weapon of choice. God! I hate that channel, it is evil.

Less I digress; it is very common to for a Nigerian to have a big boner whenever they are in positions of authority like having a website that is supposed to help promote music and being such an A-Hole about it. Now I am beefing. Nigerians enjoy attention and always want you to beg but then I have already said that before. What am I saying?

Have a good day please before I infect with you with my crankiness.

And...yeah, head over to popoffcentral.blogspot.com to read an exclusive interview on Sossick, the late Da-Grin’s producer and good friend.

Cheers.