How the Blackberry is Ruining our Lives

The blog topic says it all, this last blog post of the week is going to be a long tirade made worse because I am as guilty as you all are. Call it trying to purge myself or whatever but the truth remains that our daily lives is being ruined by this device. Thanks to Dee for recommending this blog post.

To set the tempo for this post, listen below to Blackberry Anthem by the Bit Benders

BB Anthem (Download)

There is a new drug in town called the Blackberry. The drug is legal and extremely addictive, as potent as heroin, cocaine and skunk all rolled into one. You know the users by looking at their thumbs, their dexterity at typing on a small surface keypad. There used to be a time when you had to attend secretarial school to learn how to type fast, not any more. Rather than carry syringes, these addicts carry their phone chargers around looking for electricity which is akin to a drug dealer. Notice these addicts when they see a charging point-their emotion close to climax.

Check them out when their battery has run out or at the end of the month when their BIS is about to expire and it is like their heart has been ripped out of their f**king chest. At the end of the month, you are just bound to see BIS whores lurking around, ready to be picked up, they’d do anything for a new monthly subscription-ANYTHING.

The Blackberry is killing everything around us. Gradually our lives are dictated by a freaking blinking red light or that obscene sound that heralds a new ping or message. We are all just like cultists carry pins as identity numbers around.

See the things the Blackberry has killed or gradually killing in our lives:

The Death of Romance

Remember the golden days when you could proclaim your love for your woman by writing a perfumed love-letter sent by NIPOST who would deliver it like months later. Those days are acceptably gone, we moved on to e-mails and well-crafted text messages which were equally romantic but the Blackberry has taken all that away from us now. Nowadays, all that has been replaced by the Blackberry Messenger, where lovers type to each other punctuated with lame-ass smileys and I tell you, it is killing romance and not helped by the shitty networks we have in Nigeria (they have ably assumed the mantle of slowness from NIPOST). When last did you call your gal, to proclaim your love and vice-versa? It has made us all romantically lazy ripping all romantic imaginations away from us all. It has gotten to the point that the only way you can find out what your partner is really thinking is via their updates. Communication between partners is dying, rather than cry on your lover's arms, you take your feelings out there on Blackberry forum.

One thing has increased though-cheating. The Blackberry has increased cheating by about 200%. Love is no longer safe. Your partner could be beside you in person but with that device, he is cheating away with a bimbo miles or inches away probably begging her for a nude picture. Watch him excuse himself to go to the toilet to snap his ‘man tool’ to equally send to the subject miles away with you none-the-wiser. Blackberry Pornography is the latest craze in town, you assume you have the most faithful chick in the world but do you know she is a Blackberry Super-Stripper at night. Masturbation has increased ten-folds because of all this; a lot of would-be Presidents have been wasted because of one picture sent from a Blackberry.

Now tell me if sometimes you are trying to get your groove on with your partner, you are doing the undressing and all but he/she is more focused on the blinking red light on the Blackberry or that stupid sound. I don’t need to tell you that the Blackberry has succeeded in turning on more people; you’d have more success turning on your partner by the words you type through your Blackberry than your useless fondling.

All you BB strippers, you know yourselves.

The Death of Normalcy

The Blackberry has also succeeded in killing everything that is supposed to be normal. Firstly, you wake up in the morning and rather than reach for your Bible, you reach for your Blackberry to see the pings you have missed while you were sleeping. Rather than read your Everyday with Jesus, you are ‘Everydaying’ with BB. You stand up from your bed and instead of greeting your folks; you are sitting in one corner giggling like a Yaba-Left kingpin. You are supposed to be concentrating in class but you are reading this blog on your BB, why won’t your grades suffer? You are supposed to be productive at work, but you are more interested in stealing display pictures from other people’s profiles, tell me while you won’t get sacked?

After a day’s work, you head over to a bar, club, party and rather than everyone socializing, you see them all huddled in corners engrossed in their Blackberries. You attempt to dance with a hot chick and even though she gives you her backside to grind on, right in her hands is her Blackberry that has taken three-quarters of her attention. When last did you store or remember anyone’s phone-number? Anyone that doesn’t have a pin is automatically labelled an outcast and uncool.

In the house of God, these same addicts including you and I still use this ‘antichristic’ device. Rather than praise and worship the Almighty, we are too busy pinging/announcing to all who care to know that we are in church. Some even arrange sexual rendezvous on their blackberries right there in front of God in church. If you were new to Christianity, you might even assume that Blackberries are Bibles in disguise or think God has a Blackberry that he uses to answer prayers.

After church, you head over to watch some football, the same BB phenomenon occurs. Everyone freaking thinks he is a commentator nowadays. Right after a goal or a controversy occurs, rather than react physically, you take your grievances to the Blackberry and comment away especially through Facebook and Twitter. You don’t need to watch these matches anymore to know exactly what is happening, all you need to do is head over to these BB-endorsed site and you have all the details of the match.

You head over to the cinemas to see a movie and half-the audience are pinging rather than watching. The more stupid one amongst them would spoil the movie for those that haven’t watched by revealing all the juicy details via their BB.

To cap off my rant and I must confess I still have a lot stored up but because I don’t want a Blackberry bounty placed on my head, I would stop after the next bit. The Blackberry has killed the real personality of people. In the physical sense, a particular individual might be a shy, nerdy, pimpled-filled face person but in the world of Blackberry aided by Twitter and Facebook, this same person is the King of the Roost, the supermodel, the funniest person ever. They make the loudest noises, are generally seen as opinion leaders, snap the best pictures in borrowed apartments and cars, google quotes to give them a philosophic mien, have the most friends, followers. Don’t be deceived, try to engage this person physically and you would be disappointed, he/she can only attain super-personalities via their Blackberries. In real life, they are crap.

The English language is also falling apart, thanks to Twitter and Blackberry Messenger, nobody wants to talk anymore. Abbreviated words are the norm nowadays. God knows where language would finally end at, check out some examples:

Okay=k

SMH=Shaking my Head

KMT-Kiss my Teeth (Hiss)

Yh=Yeah

And don’t let us forget the ROFLMAO and the other variations that have emerged from it. On a day when I can’t muster imagination for a blog post, I would compile a list of internet and Blackberry abbreviations and their meanings.

On this note, I sign out. Have a splendid weekend.