How To FART in Public for Dummies

I was hanging out with a couple of friends during the weekend. This is not an advert but Ziggies situated in Magodo is a very cool spot. We took our drinks, gisted, flirted with lecherous glances at young nubile girls diving into the pool.

It was going all so well until someone farted.

I must confess that stuff stunk to the high heavens, worse than tear gas. My nasal cavity was momentarily blocked. There was an instant uproar on our table like a Boko Haram invasion with everyone pointing accusing fingers.

As I blog, the culprit is yet to be detected. Even the FBI, CIA, Sherlock Holmes wouldn’t be able to solve this nasal ‘crime’.

I did a little research and found out that to fart effectively in public; you should be able to do the following

Fart as you speak: There is likely to be a lot of noise around you so timing is key. Time your fart as you speak without betraying emotions. Let your fart coincide with laughter or argument around the table.

The Blame Game: Always be the first and most vocal when the crime has been committed. Squeeze your face in disgust and pin it on the most silent guy on the table. Depending on how convincing you are and how helpless the other person looks, your crime would never be detected. In most cases, the person that didn’t do the farting always looks the guiltiest. T

he ugliest person at the table is always a culprit also.

Walk away: Yeh, walk confidently away when you have pinned the fart on someone. Do this with panache, like taking out your Blackberry, pinging away like a busy person that doesn’t have time for farting. If you are well dressed, no one would ever suspect you. Imagine you are wearing a suit and another guy is on jeans and a tee shirt, who would be suspected for farting???

Please, whoever farted on that day should try and own up. We don’t need to call in the authorities or go diabolical. For example I could say, May Soponno strike the arse-hole of the culprit but then I’m supposed to be a Christian.

Be a responsible Farter, Fart Responsibly.

Have a lovely day peeps.