The Curious Case of Skally Obo

I am no promoter, definitely not a fan but Skally Obo has recently caught my fancy. I have been in the entertainment scene as a critic for years now and this dude’s case is a peculiar one.

Well, I don’t even know the dude’s original name, he doesn’t seem to have any sort of promo, a profile or whatever but he is as popular and more vocal than President Jonathan right now. I thought Google was supposed to know everything but even Skally’s profile and picture proved elusive.

All I could see was his music, his very lewd, pornographic music. Skally is the guy responsible for songs like Damoche and Meji le pon. Don’t worry I won’t translate what they mean.

Skally Obo is like a wind sweeping across the streets of Gidi. His music, even though cannot be played on radio is everywhere else. Skally’s case dispels the myth that you need to settle radio presenters, personalities, deejays to get your music played.

I have heard his music in the weirdest places. Check your boss’ i-pod playlist; I am sure it would be there. Some weeks ago, I heard Skally’s song jamming on a Visafone promo truck with the staff dancing with wild abandon to the porn ‘rebo rebo’ lyrics. The time was about 1pm and kids were walking about. Then came the shocker, I went to a one year old birthday yesterday and guess what, it was Skally again. I saw kids within the age range of 5-10 gyrating their hips and even mouthing the lyrics. I shuddered.

I am sure he is definitely getting a lot of birthday parties, underground shows and would even make more this Xmas season. D’banj, Wizkid,MI,Tuface et al might be all over your television and radio sets but Skally is a huge personality in his own right. Now, lie to me, tell me you don’t hum along to the dirty lyrics?

Skally would never win any awards but he remains an underground legend.

Have a nice week peeps.

How To FART in Public for Dummies

I was hanging out with a couple of friends during the weekend. This is not an advert but Ziggies situated in Magodo is a very cool spot. We took our drinks, gisted, flirted with lecherous glances at young nubile girls diving into the pool.

It was going all so well until someone farted.

I must confess that stuff stunk to the high heavens, worse than tear gas. My nasal cavity was momentarily blocked. There was an instant uproar on our table like a Boko Haram invasion with everyone pointing accusing fingers.

As I blog, the culprit is yet to be detected. Even the FBI, CIA, Sherlock Holmes wouldn’t be able to solve this nasal ‘crime’.

I did a little research and found out that to fart effectively in public; you should be able to do the following

Fart as you speak: There is likely to be a lot of noise around you so timing is key. Time your fart as you speak without betraying emotions. Let your fart coincide with laughter or argument around the table.

The Blame Game: Always be the first and most vocal when the crime has been committed. Squeeze your face in disgust and pin it on the most silent guy on the table. Depending on how convincing you are and how helpless the other person looks, your crime would never be detected. In most cases, the person that didn’t do the farting always looks the guiltiest. T

he ugliest person at the table is always a culprit also.

Walk away: Yeh, walk confidently away when you have pinned the fart on someone. Do this with panache, like taking out your Blackberry, pinging away like a busy person that doesn’t have time for farting. If you are well dressed, no one would ever suspect you. Imagine you are wearing a suit and another guy is on jeans and a tee shirt, who would be suspected for farting???

Please, whoever farted on that day should try and own up. We don’t need to call in the authorities or go diabolical. For example I could say, May Soponno strike the arse-hole of the culprit but then I’m supposed to be a Christian.

Be a responsible Farter, Fart Responsibly.

Have a lovely day peeps.

The Job Palaver

NOTE: IF YOU ARE STILL IN SCHOOL, PLEASE DO NOT READ, IT MIGHT DISCOURAGE YOU.

I am pissed and believe me when I am pissed, I blog. Today’s post is about the issue of jobs and those desperately looking for jobs. Believe me I know this is a moral sapping procedure.

While you were in school, you probably assumed, one plum job would be waiting for you as soon as you graduated. Check out your graduation pictures, you were probably smiling, filled with joy, promise, ambition. Now, take a second, take your eyes off this blog and look at your face- spot any difference? Your folks back then must have told you to finish with a 1^st class, but with either a combination of alcohol, parties, periodically chasing the opposite sex, Football Manager, or a randy lecturer, you ended up with something like a 2^nd class lower or below.

Unfortunately, your parents, uncles, don’t have those connections they lied to you that they had or you assumed they did and now you are stuck at home. You have probably watched all the series from Spartacus, Kyle XY to 24. You have probably become a neighbourhood nuisance chasing nubile adolescents or an alcohol hero. At this point your parents have lost respect for you. Internet cafes have a special seat for you.

Then you decide to fight back, you begin to aggressively apply for jobs. You scour the internet, newspapers for just that opportunity to make a living. You subscribe to Jobberman, Nigerianhotjobs etc to give you periodic alerts. True to their words, you get these alerts but what do they give you- more heartache. Your e-mail looks like a rejection headquarters. Every day, you see.

“Thank you for your application for the position. Regretfully your application has been unsuccessful and we are unable to proceed with your application. We wish you a bright and successful career.”

My question now is WHERE! Which career? What is bright??? Why are they regretting? Heartbreakers!

Now here is my grouse, this morning I saw an opening for a Panel beater at Stallion Motor. Nice! Good opportunity for someone skilful one I knew. I picked up my phone to call him but something caught my eye. Guess what the requirements for a panel beater were:

o Minimum 3 to 5 Years in respective field

o Experience in bus body building is most preferable

o Must have passed Senior Secondary, OND, HND

WTF!!!

A company looking for a panel beater with OND, HND!!! Now that’s unfair and the whole recruitment process in the country. You want to apply for a job and you see a requirements stating cognate experience of 4 or more years. How are you supposed to apply?

How do you even get any experience in the first place when no one is offering to employ you to give you one? Are you supposed to conjure experience from your anal cavity? They put up unrealistic barricades like having stupid experience, minimum of 2:1 degree and having at least a billion pubic hair (lol..ok, was joking there).

This scenario leaves a bitter taste in the mouth of youths who are ready to work, willing to make a decent, honest living. I am not pointing fingers or blaming these companies, they probably want the best for their business but conversely why are there more kidnappers, armed robbers, teenage pregnancies and FIFA 2011 legends out there today. I know why, the recruitment policy is shit!

I am sounding too serious already. This doesn’t sound like my blog. I am off to grab a beer. Ciao.

NOTE AFTER: I WARNED YOU SCHOOL PEEPS NOT TO READ. SIGHS.

The Case of the Ex

Today, I realized most of my story and blog ideas are generated when I am in the everyday Lagos traffic. I realize I am one of the most inconsistent blogger ever but I couldn’t resist writing this.

Ah! Yes! Breakups, heartbreaks, whatever. ..When this happens, you ultimately feel like your whole world has crashed all around you. You feel those painful, unexpected heart pangs that momentarily take your breath away.

In no particular order, here are steps people take during heartbreak and the reality of their actions. At the end of this post, you get a candid advice from a renowned doctor who has been through it all and how to get your ex back.

Daze: That’s the first emotion you feel especially if you thought your relationship was certain to lead to the altar. When you partner dishes out the ‘I quit’ notice, you feel like a zombie, a sleep-walker. It is like a Nollywood flick with the mute button on. Your concentration at work, class and social scene falls.

Reality: The numbness you feel would hit you full smack in the face in the morning. Avoid crossing express roads. Driving could be hazardous; your speedometer might look alarmingly sexy at high speed during this process. You’ll most likely fail your exams and get sacked at work.

Beg: You start to beg hoping your partner might change their decision. You shower them with gifts; your insecurity comes to the fore. You weep, wail, and mourn. You offer everything from your body to money. At this point, you probably look like shit, unkempt, unfed,probably suicidal.

Reality: Yimu. Your partner isn’t gonna change his/her decision now. Infact before they read you the riot act, they had carefully weighed the pros and cons of their decision. A replacement might have even been in place to help the smooth transition. Your replacement would most likely be the 'He/She is just a friend', your ex told you while you were still dating. If I was your ex, since you are in a Father Xmas state of mind, I’ll give you a list of my wants while you are at it.

Anger: Realizing your partner is not budging and frustrated by how someone you thought you knew and loved act so cold, the next emotion you naturally feel is anger. Here is the point, you start deleting pictures of your partner on your phone and social networks, you defriend on Facebook after toggling your relationship status back to single, unfollow on Twitter, remove from BBM contact. You start posting irrational ‘I don’t need you’ subliminal messages. You delete phone-numbers, return physical memento. The really angry ones even demand all the gifts they have given back. You change passwords, look at that tattoo of their name on their skin and think of ways to laser it off. Deuces becomes your favourite anthem.

Reality: You are just seeking for attention. Your partner has moved. These actions would even make them laugh more or get even more irritated. What’s the point of deleting, it takes time and energy, you know? Most likely, you’ll probably even save some just in case...You know their phone-numbers by heart so deleting also doesn’t work. Truth is, after doing all these, the resounding emotion you feel is stupidity. Imagine the stress borrowing the phones of mutual friends just to check up on how your ex is faring without you. You are just gonna evolve into a modern day digital stalker. Ironically, if your ex wants you back during this process, you run back into their arms faster than Usain Bolt on marijuana.

Love songs and reconciliation movies: All of a sudden, you feel as if songs and movies are speaking directly to you, made just for you. It starts to give you hope that maybe, just maybe, things might change between you too just like what you heard or watched. All those Hollywood final airport scenes appeal to the romantic in you. Nuff said, you start to dream.

Reality: Double Yimu. You are just adding more dollars, nairas or whatsoever to the actor or musician. Usher,Chris Brown, James Blunt et al are probably buying their Rolls Royce because of gullibility. Take a moment and imagine, why would a heartbroken man be doing breakdance and sliding. All na gimmick. There is a niche market for unfortunate souls like you, as such, you are just being exploited. Don’t try anything stupid. It won’t work.

Internet Explorer: You surf the internet looking for solutions. Trust Google, there are countless for you. Authors would suggest everything from ‘No Contact’ rule to other absurdities to get your ex back. You start to believe and act on their advice. You feel confident. They advise you to hit the gym, travel, see the world.

Reality: Google is just interested in hits to be gotten from you. If you watch closely too, those authors only put half of their ideas out and tell you to buy their books for the remaining. How many have you bought? Did it work? Is your ex back? Sucker oshi. The travelling, gym stiz probably works for the wealthy. If you are broke and dumped, Jesus, you are in for one hell of a depression BRT ride.

Alcohol/Chocolate/Sex Binge: You finally get to this point where you hit the bottle, chocolate or whatever works for you to numb the pain. You feel like a martyr, like life has dealt you the wrongest cards. You start racking up unecessary sex conquest scores like anyone was competing with you.

Reality: You are merely adding more money to the manufactures of alcohol, chocolates and condoms or contraceptives. After your high, reality would still wait for you, grinning, ready to poke you into another bout of depression. Unfortunately all the bartenders on your street already know your name.

Yimu State of Mind(Cynical): The last stage is you becoming a cynic. A philosopher that has seen and done it all. You laugh within when you see lovers hold hands, kiss, laugh. It’s all gonna come crashing down on them one day, you think.

Reality: You just read it. Moreover, you are going to fall in love again and this whole process would repeat itself.

If you were looking for any advice at the end of this piece from a doctor. Sorry, I lied. I just wanted you to read this. Were you reading to get your ex back? Heya!

Otega, thanks for encouraging me to write again. Cheers...and yes to Lagos, Victoria Island traffic.

Introducing C-Mi

I had to come out of blog holidays to post this up. Forget the fact that the above damsel is an eye candy but she is one of the most impressive lyricist i have surely heard in a while.

C-Mi is a Nigerian born,Malaysian born Femcee poised to take over the Nigerian and Asian market. I first witnessed her skills when she won the Bit Bender Freestyle Friday competition, since then, seems she has been on a roll like a BRT bus without brakes.

Listen to her hot new infectious single titled Nani featuring Tupengo. Worth hearing.

Download

Mayorteeshay's Enigma Freestyle

A month or so ago, I introduced rapper called Mayorteeshay on this blog. Since then, I have had my eyes on him in a purely non-homosexual but musical way. His style, delivery and musical philosophy is a huge turn-on. Bone Viagra,Alomo or Agbo, if I want to get it on with a female, the sheer genius of this dude is a major help.

For the past week or so, Don Jazzy in his infinite generous nature put up a very ‘eerie’ beat for peeps to freestyle on with a cash reward of $2000. The response has been off the top, a lot of talented and greedy artistes gave it a shot but only a couple, in my opinion were of top quality.

Mayorteeshay’s Bit Bender version is one of them. If this doesn’t turn you on, nothing else will.

Download

A Hairy Situation

In the beginning, God created man. Afterwards, from man, he created woman. Then woman listened to a snake and gave man the forbidden apple and here we are today wearing clothes which I must say is freaking boring. Imagine a world where you could see Nicki Minaj, Beyonce and Genevieve naked on MTV.

If your biblical history isn’t hazy, that story should be known to you. Take a minute though and cast your mind back, did you ever spot in that story that Adam disobeyed God any other way than eating the Apple? Answer is a big NO. Off the top of my head, here are the reasons why Adam was distracted enough to eat the apple:

Because Eve had a nice set of boobs

Because Eve had a sexy behind

Because Eve threatened to withhold sex if he didn’t eat it

All this I am certain must have crossed his mind before he agreed but there is something I know that didn’t- Eve’s Hair.

Fast-Forward to today, it beats my imagination why Nigerian girls are lusting over foreign hair weaves like Brazilian Hair, Indian Hair, Peruvian hair blah,blah,blah. Females spend up to N60, 000 and even more to purchase this artificial hair just to look the girls in L'Oreal adverts. Girls go through the excruciating ordeal of sucking off a 70-year old Alhaji's lollipop just to have spare cash to purchase these weaves.

From a guy’s perspective, using myself as a guinea-pig, I don’t think I care less on whatever a female puts on her head. In the world we are today,time is of the essence, first thing I do when checking out a girl is her boobs, her backside and finally the face. Never and I mean never do I ever check out what kind of hair she puts on her head. I don’t care if it N500 attachment or N100, 000 hair, all I want to see is FLESH and errr...some waist chain and exotic underwear.

So, girls, invest your money wisely. Rather than using the money to buy something to put on your head (which we guys don’t even notice), use the dough for what to put in your head.

Have a nice day peeps.

Rant Over.

Note: By the way, if you are interested in Indian Hair, I have a friend travelling soon; you can place your order with me...lol

The Marriage Dream Killers

Note: This might be termed as BIASED but it is the truth. Crucify me if you will. Get your thorns and your nails. I am READY for you.

As a regular guy in Nigeria, you have to face a lot of issues ranging from job search, the perfect partner, financial stability, a social standing, planning ably for the future etc. Believe me, the economy doesn’t exactly encourage you being successful in all of the above but we still try to make it work, we strive, we cope, we pray. It is not easy being a Nigerian guy.

As if that isn’t enough, a whole new phenomenon has entered the fray. Imagine this scenario: Guy meets girl, chats her up, and starts a relationship with her, starts planning a life with her and around her after they must have dated for more than two years and then all of a sudden, disaster strikes.

Straight from the blues, you start noticing changes in your girl, you see that she is trying to distance herself; you notice she can’t meet your stares or respond to your touches anymore. Alarm bells ring in your head. What could be wrong? The insecure part of you tells you, your girl is seeing someone else. You act on impulse, start an investigation that would make Sherlock Holmes blush to find out what is making your girl’s love falter for you and then one day when you can’t take it anymore you blurt it out and confront her, accusing her of cheating. You bring forth your hole-infested proof to support your accusations and after you are done, she talks and your whole relationship goes downhill from there.

With tears in her eyes and a tremor in her voice laced with righteous anger for daring to accuse her of infidelity, she reveals all not caring what you would feel. The pain she has been keeping inside her is unleashed on an unsuspecting you and guess what, she wants you to feel the pain. First, she refutes your claim that there is no man in her life, she hadn’t been cheating, she had just been looking for the right moment to tell you what she has been battling with. At that moment, shame crowds your senses, for doubting her, you start to feel pity, your love starts flooding back, you apologise and then ask what she has to say, what has been bugging her so badly that is affecting the relationship. And then she talks....

She reveals that her head of church (pastor, reverend and in the case of muslims-Alfar) says the future is bleak for the relationship and should be stopped less it turns into tears in the future. They have been led by God, seen visions about the futility of the situation and advice that the union must end. Listed is a regular kind of vision usually bandied around: You are going to be an unfaithful husband and have a family outside, someone between you both would die prematurely, one of your in-laws would create havoc during the marriage. The list of endless gloom goes on.

When you hear this, as a guy, you don’t actually realize the severity of the situation. All that is going on in your head is thankfulness that your girl wasn’t cheating on you and this was what you had to face. It is just a minor thing, you would think. All you have to do about this situation is to pray about it and it shall be solved. I am sorry to say bro, but you are in for a shocker.

Look into your girl’s eyes and all you see is a stranger, a lack of will to fight and that’s where the real problem starts from. In that instant, she tells you that it is best for both of you to part ways because it is not the will of God. She reveals to you that this isn’t the first time such messages have been delivered to her by men of God besides her parents (especially the mum) thinks it is a good idea to split now in order to avert future danger. “Please let’s end this,” she says. “It’s for our own good.”

At that moment, everything starts to appear in slow-motion to you. Whatever happened to love? What happened to it conquering all? What happened to the future you guys had planned together barely some weeks ago? What happened to the time you guys have invested in the relationship? What happened to the saying “With God, all things are possible?” What happened to God’s will not changing?

You beg, plead, appeal for your girl to take a chance, fight for the love you guys have built but all that meets you is more tears. You can see she is suffering, the weight of her declaration is too much for her but she stands firm. At that point, whatever you say is crap, your words to her are like coming straight from Lucifer’s anus. All the time, she had been distancing herself was in preparation for this moment of standing firm. In her mind, she is fighting a righteous battle with only one loser-You.

Your emotions from thereon ranges from anger, sorrow, hope. You are angry at her, the pastor, God. You question everything. Tears flow forth like a fountain. Depression follows. The love of your life is gone and you couldn’t even muster a fight. The helplessness is overpowering. Your friends try to help you but they can’t feel the pain, even half of it. Memories tumble in, you see her everywhere, the places you have been. Your phone is your worst enemy, you see her pictures. You delete them, but they remain in your brain. If you use a Blackberry, every update she posts sends shards of dejection into you. You delete her as a contact and later regret also. You cut all lines of communications with her but that only hurts the more. You finally turn to the Bible and when you read stories about Hezekiah in the Bible where God’s will was reversed when he was supposed to die, you get flooded with hope and excitement. You march up again to your girl to state your case citing Isaiah Chapter 38 as your reference. She listens to you drone on in righteous excitement and when you are done, she says the same, that she can’t take that risk to go against the ‘will of God’.

This brings me to the issue of the pastors who are bearers of the news of the ‘will of God’. If they don’t realize what power their tongue wields, they should know today and now. A lot of guys are going through intense pain because of their revelations. I am not faulting the authenticity of what they reveal but as opinion leaders, they should know better by letting the subjects of their message also know that although things might look gloomy in the future, prayer is the key to changing all that. It is not merely enough dishing out revelations; they have adversarial roles to play. Whatever they say has been key to a lot of potential relationship break-ups but what if they actually called the people involved to advice. A real man of God knows no condition is permanent so I don’t buy the whole bullshit of things set in stone. The female folk are very emotional so who would they believe, you the boyfriend or their pastor?

Lives are at stake here. Pastors wield so much power especially when it comes to prophecy. There are situations where some pastors tailor-make their prophecies also to what you actually want to hear or the scenario you have painted for them. For example, a guy might have parents that have a broken home and when this is told to the pastor who is supposed to prophesy, would this not play a part in his final prophecy. Surprise,Surprise if he says, the same would happen to you. Even if it was supposed to happen to you, can’t it be reversed? What exactly then does prayer stand for?

As a girl, when you hear these revelations, I can understand the feelings of helplessness, confusion. It is hard to go against the words coming from a man of God, hard to go against those of your parents all for one guy who you are suddenly developing doubts about. All his shortcomings are instantly brought to the fray. If you guys were previously having small niggles, you amplify them and see it as a sign of impending doom. All you want to hit is the exit door. But if you loved this guy, why don’t you stand firm and fight for him. Why don’t you pray with him? If the revelation says the guy is destined to fuck-up in the future or have extra-marital dalliances, what are the chances that it won’t happen to the guy that God has ‘ordained’ for you via the pastors. Isn’t it another girl that would marry this same guy that has been ‘pre-destined’ to mess up in the future? Isn’t it another girl that is willing to take a chance. Now that you have hit the highway and left, you end up looking for the guy you left in every other guy and guess what, you just can’t find it. You end up settling for second best and in a marriage you think could have been better. You always think of what might have been if you had fought, waited, prayed and taken the plunge with the real man you loved, you abandoned, you left. An advice is if you truly love this guy, fight for him. No marriage is perfect but you have the advantage of knowing where the problem from your own marriage would come from, that’s if the pastor’s revelation was right anyway. Here is an advice from a girl that went through the same, she says this in hindsight and I quote-

“What I learnt is to know God for myself and not need to go through intermediaries to find his purpose for my life.”

Guys, it is hard, painful, excruciating. You wonder if this girl ever loved you at all if she could leave you hanging high and dry. Your family, friends accuse her of not having the balls to stay around. They tell you, you deserve better and that you should move on. What’s the point of fighting for someone who isn’t ready to do the same? Someone else would come along, they say. She was probably not the one for you. They tell you that even if you guys come back together, if any run-of-the-mill quarrel occurs, the panic button is activated because of the prophecy.

On last count, I have about four friends, this has affected and they moved on. Some are married today (whether happily, I don’t know) while some are still in limbo, still searching for someone that had the same characteristic of the girl that ‘dumped’ them. Some have taken it to the extreme, barring their hearts and having sex with anything in skirt to get through the pain. Some want or have fantasized on ramming their knuckles into the guts of these ‘elusive pastors’ who never want to see you face-to-face. They prefer saying their piece and moving on oblivious of the pain it has caused.

If you are in this situation, I feel your pain. Worst feeling ever. Imagine seeing your girl some months later in the arms of another dude? Or imagine her seeing you?

If this is occurring to you at the moment and you know your girl loves you and is willing to fight for what you have both got-FIGHT.

If she shows signs of not fighting but deep inside you know she wants to-FIGHT.

FIGHT till you can do no more. Only then can you look back and know you have done your best. It’s her loss. If it happens to her in her marriage, would she then take Flight?

Finally, on a cheeky note, if you meet a girl and you are beginning to like her, kindly tell her and her mother to consult the nearest pastor before you go further and spare yourself the heartache.

I rest my case.

Letter of Apology

Dear Readers,

I am sorry I have not written in a while. I have been attending to some matters that have absorbed a lot of brain space and heart residue. As such, I couldn’t be bothered to write anything, I simply was not motivated enough.

It is not like you guys are paying me anyway, the least you guys could have done was to buy me a crate of Guinness or like 2 bottles of Jack Daniel to spark up my motivation. If you have been disappointed or upset, please kindly take a short stroll and hug a nearby transformer. I shall be back tomorrow with a blog post-hopefully.

Yours Faithfully

Nizzle

Imagine...

Imagine if Breathalyzers were introduced into Nigeria

Imagine if our Nigerian Police Force uniform was switched to white

Imagine if Facebook,Twitter and Blackberry Messenger suddenly shut down

Imagine if water became a banned substance

Imagine your Blackberry messenger with a sign-out button

Imagine if your Blackberry battery power lasted 3 days after a full charge

Imagine Konga winning a Grammy

Imagine Beyonce and Angelina Jolie inviting you for a threesome

Imagine if Bill Gates was revealed to be your actual father

Imagine if Alex Usifo and Ving Rhames are actually brothers

Imagine if the world ended and you were caught pants down

Imagine if humans were prey to other beings

Imagine a Justin Bieber and Wizkid collabo

Imagine Chidi Mokeme as Indiana Jones

Imagine your long-term relationship ending abruptly

Imagine a world without Google

Imagine if Osama was a Reverend

Imagine if Obama was a burglar or marijuana peddler

Where the 'EFF' are they?

"Lost but found, careless owner, stupid finder." Remember that sing-song public service announcement while you were younger in class? The 'stupid finder' part was inserted by the more cynic kids who were in most cases the careless ones.

Today’s blog focuses on a list of individuals who for unknown reasons (mostly unwise) have disappeared off the radar. They ascended limelight for a period of time and have slowly faded into obscurity perhaps plotting a come-back.

Read and see if you know where the ‘eff’ they are.

Soul-E

With his single, Baba Dey Here, we all thought another Tu-Face had arrived or at least someone to give him stiff competition. He actually even featured on a track with Tu-Face, E be like Say where we all debated on who was better. Back then, Soul-E was never far from media stories, his high profile marriage to a bank manager further raised his status, and he instantly became a role-model for gold-diggers in Nigeria which is no mean feat. Perhaps deluded in his superstar status, Soul-E decided to start up his own ministry and since then trying to find Soul-E is like attempting to locate who farted in a sewer.

Ogbeche

Rewind to the year 2002, Nigeria just had a disappointing Nations Cup falling to Senegal in the semi-finals. Fans were frustrated; we all called for a change and called for Adegboye Onigbinde to lead us to the World Cup. A friendly match with Paraguay was organised because we were drawn in the Group of Death alongside Argentina, England and Sweden. New blood was required, the Finidi’s, Oliseh’s were deemed redundant. A friendly was organised against Paraguay to test our new stars.Paraguay took the lead in this friendly raising our frustrations to fever pitch. It was not until the closing stages of the game that Okocha ensured parity with a penalty in the 82^nd minute. Five minutes later, a young man called Ogbeche attempted an acrobatic overhead kick that narrowly missed. With that kick, he booked his spot at the World Cup. Just with a bicycle kick, he was supposed to be our Moses, our hero, our Messi but look at him now. Where is he? His career seems to have nosedived faster than a pilotless plane and from intense research he is assumed to be playing at OA Kavala. God knows where that is in the world? Moral Lesson- Never deceive millions with a bicycle kick.

Regina Askia

I was young but I wasn’t stupid. I could pick out beauty from miles away and even at that age I lusted after former beauty queen, Regina Askia. She assumed the mantle of queen in my night dreams and if I was old enough to have wet dreams, she would have been the author and finisher. She was an able collector of the baton from Ego Boyo who I loved in Checkmate. Regina’s eyes in Fortunes could make me drop-out of school back then, all she had to do was ask and I would slap the principal and burn the old school down. In a world now ruled by the Genevieve’s, Ini-Edo, Tonto Dike’s, to me Regina still reigns supreme. If anyone knows where she is, please be kind enough to let me set eyes on her again. I could make do with a poster too though.

Azadus

I am sure even the Navy Seal’s Team 6 that did the job on Osama would not be able to locate Azadus wherever he is. At a point in this decade, he was Kennis Music’s poster boy, their hottest star. Not particularly blessed with good looks or diction, he still struck a chord with listeners with his smash hit You is the one which was as hot as how Oleku is at the moment. There is only one man that can locate Azadus at the moment- Jack Bauer!

Craig David

Born to Do it was one album, I could recite from start to finish. It is in my opinion the most ‘Press Play’ album ever. I personally penned down the Southampton born crooner to go places but it was just never to be. The recent successes of Jason Derulo, Tinie Tempah, Chipmunk and others in U.S of A were based on the groundwork Craig David laid down. Never before have I seen so many pirated copies of any individual’s album. I personally had like 5. We are all to blame for Craig David’s downfall; we didn’t help buy any original CD of his. He also has a part to play; putting so many super tracks into one album was overkill. He probably should have spread it over like 4 albums. Pity.

Saint Obi

Before Ramsey Noah, he was. Before Jim Iyke, he was. Before Emeka Ike, he was. Saint Obi was the baddest guy with the swag. You wanted a hit movie, he was your man. Wanted the females to swoon, he was your man. Saint Obi during his peak period must have acted in so many movies in one year than Tom Cruise throughout his whole movie career. The question now is where is Saint Obi and what continent of the world is he? Send your answers to operationfindsaintobi@lostbutfoound.net.







Others whose whereabouts remain a mystery are Ruben Studdard, Freddy Adu, MP, Product G & B, Blu Cantrell, Faith Evans... I am pretty sure i just scratched the surface with this topic. You guys probably know more.Have a splendid, fun-filled weekend.Cheers.